Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
