Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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