why didn't you poke me back
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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