I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
