you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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