I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
