update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
