I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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