I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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