Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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