a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
