first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
