Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
