If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize