I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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