every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
