So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
