i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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