can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize