First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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