this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
