she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
