Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
