New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
