She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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