Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize