booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Randomize