All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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