I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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