i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
