Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
