I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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