Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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