Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize