He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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