Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
