All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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