I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
