The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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