this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
