You smell like stripper and shame
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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