He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
