I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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