I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
