I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Less talking, more tequila
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
