I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
