I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize