The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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