Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
