I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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