I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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