so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
