Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
