so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
