Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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