why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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