I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
