matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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