he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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