just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
