college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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